All is fair in love and war

i know that what i did had good intentions to help her.
and i hope it pushes her to step in the right directions.

im not sorry for what i did.
but im sorry for what she will have to go through.

I might have lost a best friend today.

but i'd rather see her mad at me and alive
not be her friend and watch her die.

Hello? anyone there???



nope...
didnt think so.

whew.

so the past few weeks have been kind of a bore. getting ready for the release of school. working on a non-stop schedule. staying at home. a monotanous spin of my regular life.

im stuck. i was asked by my boss if i wanted to continue working over the summer, and my knee jerk reaction was to say "yes, of course!" thinking, more hours=more money. but i also just realized how big of a dent in my summer fun this will be making.

one vacation. no camp. every weekend at work. possibly 3 days a week. and i'll have to make the drive from marion to huntington.

it seems so simple to the outside eye, but to me, my summer means everything. everything good happens to me over the summer. its the only time i really feel happy, and i dont want that to be burdened by my burgandy vest and large white name tag and the constant smell of popcorn.

there are times i walk from you, like some passing afternoon

This weekend, so far, has been better than i expected.

i worked friday night until 10. It wasnt all that bad. My grandparents picked me up from huntington for the drive to marion. We talked about my life and my struggles, as usual. I spent some time with one of my friends, which was nice. We dont do much anymore, and im happy to hang out with him.
i got a well needed haircut on saturday. still trying to figure out if i like it or not. then i went with taylor and we videotaped at the park with bubbles and kites. I then picked up randy and we were off to see skunkape at their last performance.

The show was amazing. I got to see some great friends whom i dont see often. And to see such a great band go is sad, but having everybody come together and see the end is just amazing. The room was full of emotion and excitement. Its possibly one of the best home shows i have ever been to.

Life is flying and i'm meerly a passenger

I graduate December 23.
And i am truely scared of that statement.

I dont know where i am going.
I dont know what i'll be doing.
And i dont know how things will turn out.

And those 3 things alone are driving me crazy.

Change

I'm so ready for change. A change in everything around me. I want to be noticed in a positive light. I want more friends i can trust. i don't want to feel used and tossed aside. I want to feel change inside of me. I want to feel genuinely happy with myself. I want to lose 10 lbs. I want to start recording my music. Iwant people to hear what message i have to bring. I want to be closer with God. I want to take larger steps in my faith. I want to hear laughter instead of arguements. I want teachers and administratos to pay attention. I want peace.
I just want change.

What I Want

I found this in my journal...
i thought this to be rather interesting.
as my views have kind of changed...

what i want
1. a guy who is 100% perfect... for me
2.money$$$
3. Studio Apt. in Nueva Yorkkkk
4.Better handwriting
5. a car
6. something to call my own
7. a new guitar
8. to be seen AND heard
9. True blue friends (ihaveafew!)
10. To stay imperfect, because that is just perfect to me
11. People to follow my blog (ahh haha i laugh at this one=])
12. love
13. More v-neck tees (still unsuccessful... i guess you have to be flat chested for them to look right!)
14. Mitchell Davis to comment me back, or Pegen wilson at least!
15. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on my iPod

where the wild things are

Is anyone else excited for Where the Wild Things Are?
I loved this book when i was a little one.
and i totally cant wait...

...and yes, i'll admit.
i'm a total nerd.

Anyone lived in a pretty how town

This is my favorite poem ever written
by E.E. Cummings


anyone lived in a pretty how town
(with up so floating, many bells down)
spring summer autumn winter
he sang his didnt, he danced his did

Women and men (both little and small)
cared for anyone not at all
they sowed their isnt they reaped their same
sun moon stars rain

children guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as up they grew
autumn winter spring summer)
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and tree by leaf
she laughed his joy she cried his grief
bird by snow stir by still
anyones any was all to her

everyones married their someones
laughed their cryings and did their dance
(sleep wake hoe and then) they
said their nerves they slept their dreams

stars rain sun moon
(and only the snow can begin to explain
how children are apt to forget to remember
with up so floating many bells down)

one day anyone died i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his face)
busy folk buried them side by side
little by little and was by was

all by all and deep by deep
and more by more they dream their sleep
noone and anyone earth by april
wish by spirit and if by yes

Women and men (both dong and ding)
summer autumn winter spring
reaped their sowing and went their came
sun moon stars rain

And then i was sucked in...

I finally saw twilight today. i have to admit, it was good. kristen stewart, in my opinion, is still the worst, most monotone, actress to walk the earth. but i would have to say, robert pattinson is beautiful. not hot, gorgeous, or even attractive at that. but beautiful.... in a non creepy way.

today i also noticed that a lot of people who i thought i were friends with, were extremely fake.
i just hope that next time, people will take the chance to really get to know me,
and not just rely on what they hear from others.

in other news, i am starting to meet a lot of people. i really enjoy going to shows and meeting band members, or other show-goers. i plan on going to as many as possible over spring break. so far i am scheduled to go to 3. know anymore?=]

im glad i have the people i do. i still live by gods word as best as i can. and im going to keep walking down the path i have taken.

when i get in taxis and converse with that man

my dad made his decision on who means most to him.
i hope him and his girlfriend have a fantastic life together.
full of lies and deceit.
its too bad i wont be there to witness the downfall.
but i guess that was his choice.

As some know, i lost someone who i was very close to this week. I've never had the misfortune of losing somebody close before. The funeral was hard to go to. The eulogy was hard to sit through. But i've never felt so much love and devotion in one room ever before. This person has touched so many people's lives in his own life. Mine included. He accepted me as his own, even though we werent related in the slightest bit. He filled a part in my life that mother's father was never there to do. He was my grandfather. Maybe not biologically. But that was the relationship we shared.

Seeing my sister stuggle towards the end was almost as heartbreaking as seeing him struggle. He was her best friend. As her biological grandfather, he was there for her. It was hard for me to watch my eight year old sister go through something that people my age have yet to approach. But so far, she has handled it better than most adults would. To make a bright point out of a dark situation, I think that shes grown much stronger through this.

I'll never forget. She'll never forget. And we'll never forget.
R.I.P. Roy J. Sandlin
1921-2009

dont let anyone tell you you arent the prettiest girl at the prom

this is a (metaphor) poem i wrote for english.
yes... i actually applied myself for once....

Walking up to home plate
I can feel, taste, the dust in the air.
I adjust my feet, choke up on my bat
and i nod my head to clarify im ready.

She pitches the ball, i choose not to swing.
I hear the 5-letter word uttered from the umpire behind me.
Strike! he yelled, as i tighten my grip
and i reset my stance for the next ball to come.

I'm more anxious now than before
waiting patiently for the right one to come my way
I see her wind up, pitch the ball
and i choose not to swing, it just doesnt feel right.

2 strikes, and this is my last chance,
my chance to make the right choice
my chance to run with it, and feel proud
This time i swing with all my might, just to strike out and end my night.

End.

ttake a sad song and make it better

im really excited to go to marion this week. i dont work saturday or sunday, so its nice to have that break to just relax. i'm hoping to spend time with some of my friends. and maybe get my sunglasses back.
im planning on enjoying my weekend and not letting anything get me down.
my best friend is staying with me saturday night. which is nice, because her and i have not done anything fun together for a while.
my other best friend and i are hanging out all day saturday. i love spending time with her. she's such a great person and she helps me be a good person as well.
i plan on hanging out with seth some on sunday. i just hope its not canceled like everyother time we were supposed to spend time together.
but all in all, its seems like its going to be a good weekend with some warm weather. but i'll definitely be keeping my fingers crossed as tightly as possible.

nothing ever goes as expected

i had to face a really hard obstacle last night. i had to try with all my might not to punch the one person in the face who ruined everything.
i ended up going to my dads. and his ex-girlfriend was there. there is so much animosity between her and i and i have so much hatred towards this woman for reasons unknown to my father. i tried my hardest to be nice for my dad, but i didn't speak almost the whole night in fear i would start to get on a rampage. a handful of people know the trials i had been through because of her. the damage she had caused by the lies she had told.
its just that hard to forgive.
and its even harder to forget.

we all can hear the bells

i made a decision Saturday that im going to have to live with for a while. It's going to be hard for me, considering the damage i caused.
but on a ligher note...
Im staying in marion tonight to see my dad.
im really excited. i haven't seen my dad for a few weeks/months. its been a while. i come home tomorrow though. i guess the fun can't last forever.
but i'll be right back in town on friday. start the party.

lets give em somethin to talk about...

my weekend was a bore.
worked a dead shift friday. 330-11pm
went to fortwayne saturday night. got home at 830
bought a new flannel.
im still in my pajamas for today.
but on a much happier note...
rudy valdez and i are writing a song.
its going to be on my cd.
which i will start recording soon.
<3end

and thats when it hit me...

tuesday and wednesday night were enlightening.
i spent time with a friend who means a lot to me.
i forgot how much fun we have when we hang out.
and im glad shes beginning to be such a great friend again.

avoiding the awkward silence

So i've finally decided that im tired of being single.
this doesnt mean that im going to be out looking for a relationship
but im ready to accept whatever comes about

Gone with the Wind

So I just got my grade in Trig. Not so hot. It seems like no matter how many times i go in for help in the morning, or how much i study, i always seem to fail. But im over it. Almost
Im super excited to go to a show tonight. i dont even care that some of it isnt my type of music. I'm just happy that i get to hang out with my friends. i dont do that much anymore.
I got to hang out with taylor last night. that was fun.
im a brunette now. yay!
i worked friday night after school until 11.
Same for saturday.
and that was my weekend.

slaughterhouse-five

i haven't posted anything new lately. i should probably stop being lazy.
im starting to get back in touch with old friends. a few people who i've been separating myself from. and im happy that we are starting to talk again.
things are going smoothly.
yesterday, i went to the library and walked around town.
it was nice to be in the silence. even though silence is usually so loud.
ive tried to separate myself from my cell phone, my iPod, my computer, and everything else to just take a step back and breathe.

you think you're sooo cool

the post before this wasnt serious by the way! (hell, i didnt even write it!!! lawlz)
thanks!

how do you catch a moonbeam in your hand

ABOUT ME BUT
WRITTEN BY MY FRIEND:
I am glad to be 62 inches tall because that means I am two inches north of being a midget. But you know that is a bad word. So I mean little person. My hair looks like mitchells and that is why I dig him. But the more I think about me liking him the more I realize that my attraction is because I am really in love with myself. I wish I could date myself. I can keep a ping pong ball in the air using my lung power for 32 seconds. I sound like a duck. I really like to ____ faster and faster. And the more I ____ the more excited I get about ____. I dress just like every other sceneager. I dance like tonto and Carlton. I used to be ghetto. Fabulous. I really like watching videos of gay guys acting flamboyant and fabulous.tss tss ahh. I also like sending boys dirty messages. I bet you are wondering what my title means.If you are reading this then you have no life. And you need to shower. I am a figment. Lord its hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way. I wake up every morning and I get Better looking each day. To know me is to love me cuz I am one hunk of a woman. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. And that's why I am so mean because I have to get my way.

and when the tide rolls in

Its hard to realize that just when something good was starting to happen, you push it away. I just wasnt ready. I still hoped i had a chance... even though i knew i didnt. I'm sorry i waited to realize what a great person you are, how happy we could have been. Im sorry i pushed you away at the time I needed you most. Im sorry i didnt see how great we would be. And im mostly sorry that i hurt you so much. But i know that sorry doesn't cut it, no matter how serious I may be. Now that i feel like im ready for you, you dont want to be with me anymore. And i know that its all my fault. and there is nothing to i can do to change us.
i just hope that you dont hate me.

sometimes...

things in life dont go just as you plan.
and you just have to accept it.
no matter how hard it may be.

i didnt realize it...

but i know some pretty cool people who can make a kick butt oreo pie and edit awesome videos of me doing weird stuff in photo j. thanks taylor for accepting me for me! im glad we've become such great friends! you have no clue how much it means to me that we've became friends this year. any badderys?
so i guess all im trying to say is...

dont call me mrs.!!!
(hahahaha)

Goodbye Old Friend

Old Friend,
Please forgive me. I'm letting you go. You don't need me anymore. We both have grown. We've grown so much, and so far apart, that nobody can tell what we used to be. You were my best friend, the person who let me be me, and didn't think twice about it. You changed me and showed me who i really was. You helped me find myself, get out of the person i was becoming.

We were inseparable, you and i. For the passed couple of months, i have been trying to figure out what has happened to us. Why we aren't "us" anymore. I think back to my birthday. How you were the only person who was there for my so-called "sweet 16", and the small things you did made it the best birthday i ever had. I think back to my 15th birthday, and how you tried so hard to make it a surprise party with all my friends, but nobody except you showed up, and you still kept the party a secret. I think back to all the times that we would make up stupid nicknames for each other, so many that i can't remember all of them at once. I think back to the time that we were at the skate park and i said those two terrible words to you, and you forgave me, even though we had promised never to say that to each other. We had so many good memories. Last year, we both started to change, go in different paths. You became you, and i became me. We weren't an "us" anymore. We tried so hard to remain the same, but after our first fight, it was never the same.

I wish that i could change all the bad things we went through. I wish that i could put us back to how we were. You and me. Me and you. Us. I wish that i could go back to the time that we made a large whirlpool in the pool in my old backyard, when we made it and couldn't get out, no matter how hard we tried. Times like those. I wish i could just go back. But i know that we've changed. I know that you and i will never be the same, like we were back then. But i will keep the memories that you and i had. The memories that will never be forgotten. The memories of my old best friend. So i guess that this is goodbye. Goodbye to us. Hello to you, Hello to me. But goodbye to us. So goodbye old friend. Please don't forget me. Don't forget you. Don't forget us.

-me